Yesterday I was numb. Mostly numb. I had Mason all day, that's my one year old grandson. My daughters Trina and Athea (Mason's mom) stayed the day with Crystal. They took her to look at burial sites, check out and decide on all the little things that needed to be done. Mason was my life saver.

Today again I had Mason all day. I was not in as good a shape today. I can hardly stop the tears from falling. I did not want to upset Mason so I went through many ups and downs. My son, Micah was a dream today. He helped me watch Mason, feed him and entertain him.

I haven't seen my other boys since Monday. The last time I saw them was at the house when I went to pick up my car. My husband drove me from the house to the hospital. I have talked with both Carter and Payton today several times. Carter gets so excited every time he talks with me. I hear him yelling at the other people around that he talked to grandma.

Can you imagine, I did not have a single picture of Noah. Everyone had taken so many pictures but I had gotten none. Athea heard me say that I didn't have a picture and today she brought me some. I do hope she understands when I tell her that this is the biggest help I have had. I can now have him here with me all day. I have put them up where I can see him and know that he is here with me. I have his smiling face in front of me right now. It gives me a lift that I cannot explain to anyone.

I have been so overloaded with all the feelings coming my way. I need the quiet I am having tonight. Shaun, my husband, and Micah are out shopping. They are to be pall bears on Friday, and they went to purchase something special to honor their grandson/nephew.

I sit here with the first quiet I have had in days and I feel sad but more then that I feel such anger. I have to say that the officer that was present when I arrived to take care of my boys was so rude to me. He made me feel like I had done something terrible. He told me I wasn't allowed to see my other boys, I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital and he almost ordered me to go home and wait for a call. He dared to say to me that I wasn't needed. I was to go home and wait for a call from him. Well, that didn't work. I just looked at him and said I was there for my boys. Then he tells me that I cannot see them. That didn't work either. I saw and gave them their grandma hug and sent them back in the house to play with the neighbor children. Since the neighbors were fine with the boys staying with them, I decided I was just going to the hospital. Again the officer said I couldn't, I was to just go home and wait. Not a chance of that. So he tells me that he cannot stop me from going to the hospital but that I really wasn't wanted there, again. I finally decided to stay at the neighbors when they told me an officer was going to interview my boys. Not a chance that this could happen without someone they knew and loved there with them. She, the lady officer, was quite nice and she was gentle with the boys.

Due to others having trouble with the same officer there is now an investigation into his actions. What I want is sensitivity training for him. He needs to know that he could do such great harm to a family suffering the way we did. He also puts himself and others in danger getting between a family and a child. This same officer tried to prevent my son from going to the hospital. In his eyes it was more important that he get a full in depth report, instead of my son being with his baby. When my boy tried to leave to go to the hospital with the Noah's mom, the officer went so far as to tell Andrew he couldn't leave, right to the point of grabbing his gun and putting hand out to stop Andrew. He did not draw the gun but he did put hand to grab it. A superior officer put a stop to that nonsense. A little man with big ideas of who and what he thinks he is. That must stop now. He must learn that a family in distress in not always a bunch of criminals, just people who are hurting.

It took me days to of writing to get this far in this posting. For a while now it has just sat in draft. I thought about just deleting it but then I decided not to. So many messages from my group members have held me up for days with all the support I have gotten. I feel all the caring from everyone and that has been such a boost to my broken heart. So I will post this and then update on out little man later today.